Girl get you some help ❤️

girl get you some help

running was my mo

what i now know is i got triggered

something, anything

shit the mine fields were every where

a smell, a taste, a cool breeze

a laugh even a gentle hug could lead me to that tight rope

looking for ways to cope

with always being afraid

in my head planning my next escape

i ran if and when i didn’t feel safe

that was never

unless someone else shared my space

so i was always chasing safety

needing somebody to protect me

because at 6 my mama left me

home alone and never returned

yeah, that’s what i said, home alone, never returned

so, it was hard for me to adapt

to the love that was poured

it leaked out of me like sap

kept me stuck in codependency’s trap

in therapy i learned how to wrap tie and tangle that shit

i was on a mission

it was a life or death situation

i had to stop giving permission

for people to walk away with me

it was time

i knew that life would not get better without the undo

i had to travel to hell many times

to get a break through

i did whatever was necessary to heal my soul

to become complete and whole

now i want reach back and get my SisStars

see we can do this

healing together is how we will get better

we don’t need to be the next research project

we can do this behind closed doors

the world that depends on us,

the woman

to be the model of strength

 always put up on

never protected

never provided for unless it served someone else’s due

we can do this

we will rise

we are rising

why

because we have each other

this time though it will not be the Iyanla or the Orpah show

we will rise like our ancestors

we will go to the wise women

be embraced and become healers

girl get you some help, so we rise together

we will destroy curses and break patterns

healing each generation one woman at a time

are you ready to heal?

i believe we can do it

if we reach out to the SisStars ready to hold us up

while we reach deep down in our soul and pull out the root

release from our bodies the fear, the pain and the fury

cry till we can’t cry anymore

gut it out from the depths of our souls

make over our minds so the negative thoughts

are not comfortable in our head space anymore

we can heal, y’all

are you ready?

are you ready to make a commitment to see what the end is going to be?

i promise you on the other side is happy

lets make a commitment to rock the future cradles without dysfunction

girl get you some help

by mozayik “the souls’ poet”

3/05/18

A Mother 20/20 hindsight

I called my mother by her first name my entire life. I can’t remember if I ever called her mother, mommy or mama. We struggled until the day she died with forgiveness. I thought had forgiven her because I tried to be a good daughter, my efforts came with a huge sacrifice of my own wellbeing. I won’t go into detail about our relationship.

I am writing this to honor my mother and all mothers everywhere. The mother’s trying to mother but do not know how. The mothers that have sacrificed their own souls seeking love. The mothers that abandoned because they were abandoned. The loving mother’s trying to protect and keep the children out of harm’s way. Even if the way is herself.

Our mothers are human beings with faults unique to their purpose.  We judge them based on our denial of our own imperfections. All humans are all uniquely fitted specifically for the journey we are on.  Lately my mother, my daughter’s journey’s as mothers and all mothers have been on my mind.

No matter what any mother has not done for the fruit of her womb, all human beings are worthy of love and the opportunity to heal.

Love is the salve for the women who could not birth but still mothered.

There are a lot of myths attached to motherhood. Recently I had to revisit how I felt about my mother. Healing is a process that brings with each level new insights.

I truly believe our souls choose the specific circumstances needed to evolve to the next level of healing and to fulfill purpose.

I am sure my testimony and my transparency have saved lives. Most importantly though, the healing of my family’s soul has been taken to another level. Some strongholds have been destroyed through the healing I have done and will continue to do. There is still work to be done. My children are doing the work required for their generation.

As I reflect on my relationship with my mother, I pray her soul will find more peace and healing in the next lifetime. I am doing what she could not. My daughters are aware and open to therapy. They are actively doing what I did not start to do until the age of 50.

I am alive to teach my grandchildren about breathing, meditation, and honoring the God residing in their souls since the day they were born.  I am teaching them about the importance of honoring their ancestors. It is vitally important they know where they came from and the enormous possibilities of where they can go.

I am the Matriarch. My responsibility is to leave my family in a better place spiritually by breaking the chains of generational dysfunction with love and knowledge of who they are.

There is a peace I have this Mother’s Day that I have never had.

A lot of something bad happened to my mother. Her entire life she was mistreated. I personally know of a rape that happened to her at the age of 9. She was treated like the black sheep, the outcast, the crazy one, the little fast tail girl.

I believe they were just not aware of mental health issues and how to help her. I don’t excuse them; I just understand that I am blessed with access to the world wide web.

I had the knowledge and support to change. I decided to change. I did the work and am yet doing the work to change.

This is for all the mothers, especially the mothers that are raising my grandchildren. Their shiny intelligence is being nurtured with love by these beautiful women. All with their unique journeys that include the little souls that chose them as their mothers.

I witness progress and healing in our family because of the loving energy of my beautiful daughters from my womb and my daughters in love. All are phenomenal women. Every one of them is a great mother in my eyes and heart. The proof of the healing of our ancestors is evident in my grandchildren’s accomplishments, the innocence seen in their eyes, and the kind hearts that their parents, my children have nurtured.

This is my legacy.

A Mother

A letter to survivors

A letter to survivors

https://thesoulspoet.com/2016/10/24/a-letter-to-survivors-it-never-gets-old/
— Read on thesoulspoet.com/2016/10/24/a-letter-to-survivors-it-never-gets-old/

A necessary post. Sending gentle hugs to all those strong enough to ask for help.

Secrets Killed repost 5/3/2011

All six of my children have been detrimentally affected by the lies told, and their potential robbed by the rapists in our family. It is 2022 and more lies are being revealed.

My goal is to leave a record of the truth. I am determined that my linage will know the truth,  I will continue to trust the guidance of my ancestors to lay a foundation that is built on the truth however brutal. There is still more to do. But the healing for our ancestors is continuing as we dig deeper and pull up the rotten roots to repair the damage.

I wrote this poem in January, 1999 for the brother we lost to alcoholism.  He was 36. Now 2011 we could lose another brother to alcoholism.  He just turned 37.  They both drank for the same reasons but we pretend it is not happening. We are as Sick as our Secrets and ours are killing us.

I am grateful for the work I started in 2011 by committing to therapy. I am continuing with creating the family tree on ancestry and getting my DNA analyzed.

finally brother you can rest
in this world you no longer stay
we must accept that god
has taken you away

no longer do you plead for love
from a world grown cold
we did not get to see you grow old
but now you are free
you don’t have to hurt any more

finally brother you can rest
no need to cry or feel blue
one day we will join you
your soul has taken flight
you are smiling at the sight
of angels welcoming you
into peace, finally brother,  rest

01/1999 by mozayik

Silence is deadly.   We may be silent but our sick secrets are exposed for all to see.  When a man drinks himself to death it is not happenstance. Some of us use drink, food, drugs or sex to abuse or addiction. It is self medicating to ease PAIN.

For the last week or so I have been contemplating why my family continues to pretend everything is okay.  Another brother will be lost if we continue to sweep things under the rug.  I feel so helpless to save him.  I don’t think I can look anyone in the eyes again without saying “we have to stop this shit now”.

I want to ask my mother “How long will you continue to lie?  How many of us have to die?  Free us and tell the truth, please.”

I am tired of the superficial relationships.  If we are not free to speak our truth in love then it is all a waste of time.  There was a time when all I wanted was revenge.  I was hurting, so I wanted the  “perpetrators” to hurt. That position did not serve me well and the poison of anger was killing me.  Once I sought my own healing I saw things differently.

My only motive now is to facilitate healing and stop others from being hurt.

Only LOVE can heal us.  I realize that people have reasons why they do the things they do.  The people who hurt us have been harmed by someone and the vicious cycle is repeated over and over because of silence.  I am telling my story.  I refuse to be quiet.

I am amazing (encourage yourself)

Amazing me
I am amazing
I am loving me so much lately
I have overcome so many obstacles
I have had to make some hard choices
I have grieved what was
I am moving forward with new goals
I did not give up
I am proud of me for my tenacity
I am a strong warrior
I accept sometimes the soldier needs help
just because I took another route
does not make me a failure
it says I am courageous enough to move toward the unknown
I had faith in God
I believed my efforts would be rewarded
I am amazing
when I think of my resilience,
my ability to bounce back to love
I know I am beautiful
by mozayik “the souls’ poet
circa 2005

angry black woman #1

*Disclaimer* I wrote this before healing. My view still remains the same except, before healing, white people were easy targets. That is not right. It is how I felt.

where is this place with limited space

this demon has rode my back before

how many times will I let it ride

I am getting so tired

do I have to change me

for you to let me be

I am misunderstood

I never thought I would

be here again

thought I had grown above this

I need relief quick

when will I take a stand

get me a plan

and proceed beyond this

time to make choices again

between darkness and your face

I need to stand on faith

believe in myself

why am I required to reinvent me

to be what others want

conforming to their needs

fitting into their plan

molding me to be whatever suits them

I need to eat

but I cannot breathe

with your hands around my neck

choking out anything that doesn’t resemble you

things you’re uncomfortable with

offensive to you

because they make you see your own ugly

get your foot off my back

why are you trying to stomp out the glaring reality

of what you are

you pretend to be a star

but inside you epitomize darkness

take your fingers out of my eyes

you can’t put out my light

or take out my fight to continue to be me

you failed to realize that I am a proud black woman

you thought I was from the school of yes sir massa

whatever you say I will do

you thought my life and livelihood depended on you

I hope now you recognize, that I am not the one

to bow down unto you as if you bring up the sun

couldn’t you tell by the look in my eyes

that I was not going for your lies

I smiled and laughed at your tired ass jokes

because my mama taught me how to be polite

you thought because I worked so hard

much harder than any white

that you could walk on me

use me up and expect me to shut up and put up

now you see what I really am

and your fear makes you retaliate

whether conscious or unconsciously

you think you deserve the best

and then you throw me your scrapes

on, on and on

not this black woman

the breath I breathe and the very life I live

was not a sorry gift from you

I know now you are just too through with me

I am making you get a glimpse of your ugly

and all this time you call yourself white

when your heart full of hateful superior intentions is black as night

because I speak up for myself and still do my work you are confused

you thought I had that slave mentality

when I called you on your racism to your face

told me I was out of place

you obviously do not recognize

that my place is in your face

anytime you flaunt your race as better than mine

it shocked you when I wouldn’t conform

rejected your standard of beauty

and strutted my own

your questions and remarks were ridiculous

do I wash my hair

do you wash your ass is what I should have asked

because it was smelling from all those lies

and pasted on smiles

don’t you get tired

of playing like you smart

are you ever going to get tired

of claiming everything you got

from the sweat and strength of our backs

I worked hard cause that is what is in me

I do not need you to be strong

you saw to that

the survival of the fittest is where I am from

the cream of the crop

top of the line

can’t get no better than this

that is why you are always trying to impress

me with your red burnt tan and curly hair

if I am so bad why are you trying my flair

don’t you see I do not care

how much you try to be like me

cause you will never ever be me

I am from royal blood

my ancestors numbered the stars

your heritage is so weak that you rob others and call it yours

you say columbus discovered america

how can you come into my house and claim it as yours

and then take my people and build it up with our blood

your ancestry is perverted

why are you so shocked that this country is so violent

oooing and ahhing when your children shoot up each other

is not that what you have taught them

when you cannot get others to do what you want

with manipulation and lies, all the time smiling

you kill them

is not that how america was built

not beautiful but profane

still trying to convince us that god

has shed her grace on this mess

where the good at so I can be the first

to crown them with brotherhood

from filthy polluted sea to filthy polluted sea

by mozayik the souls’ poet

1999

Again I write

My body is hating on me today,

But I won’t let pain get in my way.

There is still a lot to say

so, again I write.

Writing is my saving grace.

Without her I would give up running this race.

My lips and tongue betray me.

My eyes mock me, I can’t see,

but, again I write.

Braces on my hands, wraps around my knees,

thunder and lightning cloaked in 100 degrees.

I’ll let nothing stop me, because I believe

I was born to write.

Writing for me is breathing.

Take my paper and my pen,

turn out the lights tie my hands,

In my mind

I write again………

by mozayik the souls’ poet

Fight is my middle name

I’ve fought all my life

Coming here backward after 64 hours of labor

was a glimpse of my fight

I came feet first 

I was born fighting 

There have been times when I didn’t want to fight

But because I am fight

I fought

Again, and again

I fought

I have fought for rights

Fought for love

Fought for and with my words

I have fought for children that nobody wanted

There has been infighting

Out fighting with only two of us

I’ve kicked down doors with my fight

Been speaking my piece to gain peace with my fight

My fight has won tons of progress

I fight for the ones that don’t have any fight

They can count on me to fight

I stopped fighting one day

I tried to keep the fight at bay 

It did not work

God called me to fight

so, I fought again once more

I fought the professor along with the university, 

making them see my invisible disability

I have fought directors, presidents, public officials,

doctors, lawyers, even religious individuals

Shit, I have fought anybody telling me no

Growing up all I saw was fight

Fight to smile

Fight to keep the tears away

Save those tears to fuel the fight another day

I am going to keep on fighting

Fight is my middle name

by mozayik ‘the souls’ poet’

2.21.19

*****Shadows****

I wrote this poem when healing from narcissistic abuse. My therapist asked me the question, “Who was your first narcissist?” This is the epiphany.

I kept marrying my mother

Over and over, I begged her to love me

To hold me, laugh with me, instead of mocking me

She abandoned me and I never knew

When or if I would ever see her again

So over and over I begged her to love me

To hold me and never let me go

I kept marrying my mother over and over

The all behaved just like her

Intently looking for places to dagger me to death

The buildup, the let down

Lying on me so the story sounds

true for those in the neighborhood

I am gifting, finally

My permission to hate who you were

I will take that hate and transmute it to self-love

Accepting

It is not me

My guilt was that I destroyed my children

Because it was so hard to be a mother

When the first time I can remember

she abandoned me when I was three

she called me a murderer to hide her degradation

I was scapegoated while she lied on me continuously

This is why, I keept sacrificing everything

Begging her to love me

the same narcissistic cycle

my brain was programmed that way

narcissists loved bomb me without apology or acknowledgement

of the blood drawn from my soul

I was the best ever

Until they got cold

After that, I wasn’t shit

I just waited until

I was the bomb diggity again

Soon we would be out on display again

Outside the doors life was grand

Within those walls though

Your ass was a (female dog)

3.14.2020.9.50a