I’m having a sweetness withdrawal
weak from the need to have your
honey all over me

Confused and unable to think clearly
wanting you to be near me

Lethargic and walking around dazed
calling out your name
in the midnight
needing a taste of your sugar cane

The only thing to bring me out
of this faze
is multiple injections
of your thrilling stimulation

Baby I got a Jones for you
somewhat of an addiction

I need it , I need it
dam it , I need you

you have overcome so many obstacles

you have had to make some hard choices

you have grieved what was

you are moving forward with new goals

you did not give up i am proud of you

for your tenacity

you are a strong warrior

you know sometimes the soldier needs help

just because you took another route does not make you a failure

it says you are courageous

enough to move toward the unknown

you had enough faith in god

and belief that your efforts would be rewarded

you are amazing

when i think of how you have overcame

still to love as you do ………………………..

you are beautiful

She doesn’t want to be led,
and a follower she won’t need me to be.

Side by side we will walk,
heart to heart we will talk,
soul to soul making love.

This is the lover I dream of,
she knows when to be strong,
when to be weak,
will even weep with me.

This lover will smile
while looking into my eyes.
She will kiss me gently,
not always reaching for my thighs.
She’ll treasure what is inside my mind,
not how I look, she will remember
just what it took to get me,
and will always do it to keep me.

This lover knows I’m not looking for a cheap thrill
not looking for her mansion sitting on a hill.
She knows that all I need is her love that’s true
and for my love anything she will do.

She’ll tell me she loves me at least once a day,
fearing that if she doesn’t my desire will fade.
She’ll care about the little things,
like how important a hug can be.

She’ll let me know that she respects me.
She’ll take the time to remind me
just how special I am,
and how much she needs me.

If this is the kind of lover that you are
then right now I’m wishing on a star
to guide you my way.
HAPPY VALENTINES DAY
Where ever you are!
I love you!

by Mozayik (the souls’ poet)

i wasn’t raised on fairy tales

i never thought the prince was coming

i did not look or wait for him

to march in on his horse

no matter the color

i grew up knowing

i had to save myself

i had no visions

of royal kisses in the moonlight

on a castle’s balcony

i took care of myself

i had no dreams of being taken care of

or fitting like a hand and glove

i saw the men come

i saw the men go

no words or show

just go

they were here today and gone tomorrow

leaving behind sorrow

tears and shame

but they were never blamed

it was up to the women

to carry on

make everything work

smiling instead of cussing

laughing to keep from crying

all the while dying for some love

or a sonnet

a psalm

a story

and paint a picture of love

i want to create a recipe

a symphony

a melody

a lullaby

write a book about love

i want to fill a room

a home

the world

the universe

the galaxy with love

i want to tell you and everyone

i love

love dwells in the secret place

resting my tired soul

yielding my mind

to your control

unspeakable joy is complete

I’m made whole

safety is the fortress

that lets me shed my tears

peace is the refuge

to help me face my fears

comfort dwells

in the secret place

while the world swells

with darkness

It is here I find light

strength dwells

in the secret place

all wounds are mended

with the power to endure

as I bear my soul

no thing can touch me

I dwell in the secret place

with you

I would be guilty if I’d made deliberate decisions with malice or ill will.  Guilt says that I intentionally did harm and expected a bad result.  Innocence suggests that the decision was made expecting a good outcome.

At the time that is what was best.  Of course after years of experience I now have a 20/20 hindsight view.  I dealt with life based on the knowledge and experience I had up till that moment.

So it is okay to let myself off the hook.  I can forgive myself.

I can accept that I deserve love.

I am worthy of all things good.

I am much more than the sum of my choices.

When we know better we do better.

Forgiving myself opens the door to my ability to forgive others.  It has been said

“In all your getting, get understanding”. Even when I don’t understand I trust the process.  Love covers a multitude of sins.

given at birth for me to give away

the only power I have

the only thing I could ever control

is my choice to love

I don’t have to chase it

or look for it I am it

so I decide to love

right now this second

giving you my love

makes my love overflow

the only reason to be alive is to love

any other reason and you are just biding time

I was thinking about what motivated me to quit smoking.  I was not walking my talk.  Now that I know what self-love really looks like I am finding it easy to make changes in my life that prove how much i love myself.

Since my earlier post where I talked about not yet having forgiven the man who raped me at five,  I have done a lot of thinking about forgiveness.

I forgave the little girl in me for being vulnerable.  I forgave her all the things she thought she had done wrong because she really had done nothing wrong.  It was not her fault and it had nothing to do with her personally.  I forgave her for crying and for loving the wrong people because she did not know how to protect herself.  I told her how strong she is and how brave she has been.  I told her how proud i am of her for all of her accomplishments  because she had a lot to overcome.

I forgave her and told her that I loved her and would always be here to protect her.

After that forgiving my perpetrator was easy.  That is the gift of self-love I give to myself.

In March of this year I purchased a book titled “Go to Hell“  by Alfreda Lanoix.  This book changed my life.  I know people throw those words around a lot but this is my truth.  Reading her book gave me courage to stand up and try again.  I can not really explain it except to say I was a ready student and the teacher showed up.

I found beauty in me.  I saw God in me.  I knew love in me.

I felt if she could start over so could I.

I said to myself “if her story can help me, then my story can help some body”  The rest is mystory.  I found my voice and have not shut up since.  I love you Alfreda.

I dedicate the rest of my life to telling my stories in hope that a life will be transformed.

written in August 2010

Suffering in silence. not seen nor heard

I’ve become cynical and jaded about the medical community. I am tired of being treated like I am crazy or a drug addict seeking drugs. My pain is real, damn it. If I am depressed it is because I am tired of hoping every day that this day will be better than yesterday, it is getting hard to hold on to hope.

Some might say it could be worse. Well my answer to that is the only thing worse would be death. I am tired of hurting but more than that I am tired of not being heard. I am Tired of not being seen. I really do not know how much more of this I can take. I am not lazy. I am not faking. Who would choose this?

I am a mother of twins and triplets. I’ve worked two jobs many times in my life. I was always on the go. While my children were little I went to college full-time and maintained a 3.5 GPA. All while teaching Sunday school, singing in the Choir, serving on the Usher board and the Nurse’s board at church. I was also taking care of my ailing grandmother. I was a wife, mother, student and servant in my community as well as at church. I went out of my way to help those more disadvantaged than myself.

I was active at my children’s school serving as P.T.A. President and was Coordinator and Liaison for Practical Parenting Partnership. I was responsible for establishing the Free Breakfast program in our school district and getting Drug Free School Zone signs installed in our neighborhoods.

Now I feel like a lazy bum although, that is not true of me. That is how I feel when I spend my days in bed crying in pain.

I am able to do less and less. I spend more time in bed than I do out and it is starting to drive me crazy. If I try to push myself to do more it only causes more pain. I live in fear of pain. I am always anxious about what I have done or might do to cause more pain.
It is so bad that I do not take my pain seriously. If I am hurting anywhere on my body, I just chalk it up to that is just the way it is. That has cost me dearly. I almost died because I did not listen to the pain. And the medical community is horrible. I have to change my doctor of twelve years because I to wait up to three months to see her or see the nurse practitioner. I don’t want to see the nurse practitioner.  She is not a doctor nor is she my doctor.

While waiting to see my doctor about the pain in my side my appendix almost burst. At the hospital they treated me like a crazy, drug seeking addict and sent me home without relieving my pain saying I was constipated although I was vomiting violently, so much that bile was coming up from my liver. They made me feel like being constipated was my fault when (that is a symptom of appendicitis).

I have so many medical conditions to manage that I have become overwhelmed. I am really at the point of giving up. With no one to talk to about this, because everyone is tired of hearing it, I have no outlet. Truth be told, I am tired of hearing it too.

I feel old, boring and a bother. Maybe it is my fault. I try not to whine. I try to act like everything is okay but I am not okay. I am suffering, alone in silence.

WHAT A DIFFERENCE A YEAR MAKES

I feel younger, more interesting and well worth your time.

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Reality is kicking my a**.  I just realized there are a few people I have not consciously forgiven.  This journey to self-love has proven much more laborious than I thought.  I was watching “Behind the Music” – Mary J Blige,  and she said something so profound.

I LOVE Mary, watching her growth has been inspirational.  I have always felt a deep connection to her as a person and her music has been balm for my healing. Until this week I was not aware of her abuse at five, but now I understand my ability to relate to whatever she expressed.

She said “I am living proof that you can come from anywhere and have gone through anything and still make it.”  She talked about the man who raped her when she was five years old and how she had forgiven him.

All of a sudden a light bulb came on in my mind.  I have not consciously forgiven the man who raped me when I was five years old.

In my heart and mind I tried but I could not do it.  I want to so badly, but I am stuck.  So, I sit here asking myself,   ”Is my ability to forgive in direct proportion to my self worth?”  Dam this sh** is getting hard.

I find it impossible to speak the words and thinking them is just not going to happen now.  I have spent a lot of time in and out of therapy thinking and talking about the effects of my abuse.  Looking at how that crap manifested in my behavior and thinking has been challenging.  Changing my thoughts and behavior has been grueling and I still have a long way to go.

Once I got past all the anger I could forgive my mother and grandmother and anyone else I felt had victimized me because what happened made sense.  I could relate to their behaviors and I understood therefore, it was easy to have compassion.

I have been trying so hard to finish my book.  It seems the more I want it completed the more resistance I get from the universe.  I am working to be in a space of non-resistance.  The reality is I will not get there without this most important piece of the puzzle.  Forgiveness, I am working on it y’all and I will keep you posted.

Again Mary J. Blige is my inspiration.  I love you Mary.

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